A tale of two minds

I want to pause the gratitude for a second and write about something else. I am currently in a battle with myself. It’s a bit of a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde situation.

I don’t want to go off the rails and harbour hatred or malice towards anyone. I don’t want to be a bitch. I don’t want bitterness in my heart, I want to handle life’s situations with poise, no matter how tough it might be. I want to take the high road. I want to move on and mean it when I say that I’ve forgiven someone. Even though people tell me I have the right to be angry, I don’t want to be angry. Just because I have the right to do something, doesn’t mean I should do it…right?

But at the same time, I want to go off the rails. There’s something in me that’s saying “screw it”. I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to be good, trying to act with gentleness and poise. I deserve a moment of craziness. I want to let all the bitterness out. There are many things I would like to say to certain people. And let’s face it – after everything I have been through this year, I have the right to be angry. I’ve been left to pick up the pieces and deal with so much poop. I deserve some form of happiness, don’t I? 

I have no idea what to do. Do I have to pick one or can I be a bit of both?

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3 thoughts on “A tale of two minds

  1. I’d say a bit of both. But at the same time, I know for a fact that dwelling on unhappy things can be very unhealthy mentally, and it eventually becomes a bad habit after a while.
    I know quite a few people who just can’t get over grudges or unhappy things easily. (Not saying that you are) But what I usually suggest to them is just take a leap of faith and just forgive them. I’m not a person that holds grudges or holds onto unhappy things, since I usually just forget about those things afterwards relatively easily, so I can’t speak for those people.
    I could go on and say that Jesus wants us to forgive others, regardless of what we feel or however much we don’t want to forgive them, but I also do understand that it’s difficult to think of that if I were in your position. Sorry I don’t understand your situation very well in saying all this, but yeah I’m here if you want someone to talk to 🙂 Just thought I’d offer some unqualified advice.

    Love,
    A brother from another mother

    • Brother from another mother – love it. The biggest lesson I’ve learnt this year is on forgiveness. I’ve been trying to be Christ-like in the way I deal with people who have hurt me, but sometimes it gets a bit much, you know? At the same time, if God forgives me time and time again, I should forgive others too. It’s easy to say “I forgive you”, but the hurt and the anger is still there. Anyway, this was just a bit of a ramble because keeping the battle inside was getting too hard. I’m okay 🙂 Thanks for being so awesome though!

  2. I’m sure the hurt will heal over time. The Esther I know always comes out stronger from these kinda situations 🙂

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