Hiatus.

hiatus n.
A gap or interruption in space, time, or continuity; a break.

So basically, this blog and I were on a break (haha, Friends reference). Here’s why:

1. Gratitude got hard.
Finding one thing to be grateful for each day sounds easy on paper. I started it thinking it’d be a good exercise for me, that it’d be a good thing to help keep my spirits up. Truthfully, finding something to be grateful about each day actually made me more stressed. On days when nothing in particular happened, I’d feel as if I was letting someone down by not having a gratitude post. I found myself going from day to day worrying about what I’d write about that night. Maybe I should be thankful for this. Or this. No, I’m not really thankful for that. Nah, that’s too cliche. It became this struggle between being completely honest in my writing or posting for the sake of keeping up appearances. I wasn’t really grateful anymore, so I stopped.

2. Uni got hard.
Hard is an understatement. Try horrendous, terrible, life-draining, THE WORST. This semester felt like a year, to the point where I found myself referring to the first half of the year as “last year”. Let me put this into perspective. Normal people have a 12-week semester. Third year Speech Pathology students have an 18-week semester. We had two weeks between our last class and our exam, during which we had two 90% hurdle assignments AND a portfolio to complete. Yes, it sounds like I’m whinging. And yes, I do understand that I am very VERY lucky to be able to have a tertiary education. BUT. I am NOT going to undermine how completely draining and stressful that semester was. I worked my butt off. And I didn’t have time to write.

3. Life got hard.
In between uni and placements, I found myself tutoring at least 6 hours a week. I have this thing where I can’t say no, especially when it involves helping kids. My students aren’t the high-achieving kind who are in tutoring because they need a little extension. No, my students are the kind who need that extra help to keep up with the class. And I love them to pieces. Which is why I couldn’t say no and found myself working more than I expected. This left me little free time during the week, which was spent either crying about life or in bed watching YouTube videos of babies and cats. On top of work, I was planning my 21st, and that proved to be more annoying and stressful than I’d initially thought. Throw anxiety into the mix and you get a hot mess of a person. My brain was constantly in a jumbled mess.

4. Meeting my personal expectations got hard.
When I actually had time to sit down and write something, all the ideas in my head never translated well onto paper. I’d lost my writing mojo. Every time I couldn’t think of a gratitude post, I’d beat myself up about it. It sucked, because I thought this blog was gonna be my ‘thing’ this year. I had such great and wonderful expectations. In no way was this helping the state of my mental health, so I had to put the metaphorical pen down and just focus on certain things (e.g. uni…ugh) that needed my immediate attention.

Now that I’m back to it, I’ve decided I’m going to try to not put expectations on this. I’ll write as and when I can. And maybe I’ll finally finish my 30 days of gratitude. Who knows?